The few tracks I have by this local band are amazing. Heavy petting is an art form! Art museum with Kevin, pictures tomorrow. None that I'm in, but some sweet art I got to see. I'm still awake because sleep was eminent but didn't happen. I'll go to bed after I hit post. Morgens tire blew on her truck. It didn't happen while anyone was in the car, i.e. Riley. It happened in a gas station parking lot, which is also good. She wasn't driving down the road or freeway. I know from experience how bad shit can get blowin a tire while driving. Saw Bruno tonight. Eh. It was ok. The social commentary was disturbing. The people in this country sometime disgust me. Then we went over to Mike and Olivias for some hangout. Fell in love with the show Weeds. Probably doin a lil marathon tomorrow night. I need to apply for jobs. I'm tired of not having one. I'm tired of being tired.

A smile when you ask me what comes next.
What does come next for me?

Sometimes I feel like I don't say enough. Or that what I do say is too drenched in my over thinking it that it either comes out wrong, or that what I'm trying to say isn't entirely conveyed.

I'm still jobless, I'm living back at Kevin's, and tomorrow I have to be up ass early.
I should probably go to bed.
I might finish this thought later.

why do i get the sneaking suspicion that maybe what i'm trying to prove wrong ISN'T so wrong?
i just fear i'm going to die alone.

When you have all the answers, no one seems to ask a question.
When you get asked all the questions, why can you never find an answer?
Or one they'll accept. "I don't know" doesn't seem to sit well with anyone.

My thoughts are in a flurry. For a number of reasons. Geoff is back in Phoenix. I'm lost in thought, but might make the effort to go see him tonight. Tomorrow night, if the gods be damned: I'm going out. Bert wants me to go out tonight to celebrate Morrison and the day he died. I dunno about that. Morgen works early and that means that Ry will be hanging out with me most of the day! I love this:

"Men were thought of as free so that they could become guilty: consequently, every action had to be thought of as willed, the origin of every action as lying in the consciousness..." ~Friedrich Nietzsche

we'll see how things play out. its been an interesting year thus far. fer sher.

The baseball game was a good one. Albeit heartbreaking. Tonight, rekindling old friendships?

Thank you Kevin. She's pretty.

I hate that more often than not lately, I post about wanting to post more. But I don't. God damn. I've become lazy even on the internets.

My lack of sleep I think is making me want to cry. Not unheard of. But brushing my teeth made me want to vomit? I have next to nothing in my stomach. It would've all been bile. Wtf? Monday night I went to bed around 4is? Up at 10am on Tuesday. An hour er so of lucid dreaming/awakeness and then up to shower and "look for a job" online. That was the last time I was semi-asleep. It happened at 1:30p yesterday afternoon. It is now 9:30am. What's goin on, I couldn't tell ya.

Future reader, mostly me, I'm sorry. There's so much I'd wanted to put on here this past week. I've been on. But reading old entries. I don't know why but I couldn't find it in me to type it out. I'll try to get better at that.

I've been slackin on the posts. Er the ones that everyone can see. Admittedly, there have been a couple private here and there. This livejournal is here for me, bitches. haha There have been a few incidents that could have been shared with all. But in the words of Kevin: I keep too much in. This is true and at the same time it isn't. Cedric and I connected on the similar personality trait of thinking. Not just thinking, but like...Dwelling. Maybe. He once told me "Given too much time alone, having nothing but your thoughts is bad." Not verbatim, but you get the gist. And I believe that. But its also a choice to not scream all of them from the rooftops. My thoughts are my own. I'll share if I feel the desire to.

I didn't get to see Riley at all yesterday. I hate that I didn't. Yesterday was an Alkaline Trio day, today it's Badly Drawn Boys turn. Ran into Steve-O last night. It was awesome catching up with someone I hadn't seen in months or really talked to in years. I got his number and kinda planned seein him next Friday. I'm stoked. Possibly hitting up a drag show with Punk Rock Amy tomorrow night. It's been awesome talking to her more. She's been the friend that's always there but not always in contact. And the times when we do: makes me love her all the fuckin more than I did before. I've been procrastinating a shower for about an hour now. I should go do that.

decided against GOING to a movie. now were just gonna stay in and watch one. this is what i bought.



were gonna do Running With Scissors. i'm still rather consumed in apathy. but i havent seen it so thats a bonus.

i was the one with the world at my feet.

i'm in a very blah mood. no real catalyst in it. maybe going to a movie will turn it around. maybe not.

i remain optimistic.

Every time I tell myself to update this with the 'epic, all telling, this is whats been going on' entry, I tend to get really apathetic. I'm actually surprised I even typed all of this.

i have to sit on my hands, hold my tongue and grind my teeth. this house is killing me.

the past is a hard thing to walk away from. its a shadow i can never outrun.

So much was said, and then again it wasn't. But the gist was thrown out there. Life has thrown some pretty crazy curves at me. Here I sit, not imprisoned for the things i did that drunken night almost three weeks ago. Thankfully all charges were dismissed. I've walked away from said incident changed. For the better. I can't be the same angry person. I'm going into anger management. I'd like to believe my own efforts would suffice, but from past experiences, I know this to be untrue. This entry wasn't originally supposed to be this long. Or skimmingly dramatic. But, this is why my life is uncoreyographed.

ps. baseball season has started. im stoked.

Failed attempt to hangout with Tony last night. Successful at hanging with Kevin. And then Bert and Mike. Mike who constantly downplays my apologies for kicking his car on March 19th. When I was hammerdrunk and angry. I needed to kick something. His car was right there. I didn't know it was his! Went to the bar last night. It was pretty fun. Havent been to one since Kevin and my birthday on the 18th. Because then all that drama happened the next few days after. We'll cover that another day. This rant is to keep up mah promise of updating more. Ashley, the texts last night were kinda funny. Kevin, thank you for letting me crash at your place. Last night was fun, lets hope tonight is too. Bert+Mike, sorry i passed out on the couch while Mike played videogames. Hah, if you know me, you know thats what I do when imtired! Morgens gonna be on her way to pick me up so i can watch Riley while she's at work. I'm about to hop in the shower with the only clean towel in Kevins apartment. It says Kevin on it. Hah.

(random jog of memory: after having smoked in this apartment, it smells like a combination of my old apartment, and the one i lived in for a month and a half in Iowa. When the smell met my nostrils, I was in so many different places at once.)

"i can say anything. but that doesn't mean it'll happen." ~jersey.

words of wisdom. seriously.
i fuckin love the Garden State soundtrack. thank you again kevin.
its been said i need to update this more often.
i will make a mental note to do so.
theres so much to say.

I'll do a real entry tomorrow. I got hella distracted today.
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