Tomorrow, if I can find the time to, I have a bit of a rant (I guess that's what I'd call it) that I wanna get out. Its far to late to do it now, as I should most definitely be asleep. This has been on my mind for awhile, though. As I'm sure I've addressed it before somewhere in the entries of this journal, this might just be a reflection of my current feelings on the situation.
Cryptic as always. Vague is a plague, I know.
As horribly awkward as this might sound, I think keeping this LJ going in some form or other has been a great part of the past almost 10yrs. Some great things have come from it. Some great things were lost because of it. But I can always look back at shit that could have long been forgotten. When you've got a memory like mine, you wonder how you ever survive the mornings.
fucking a I need something I once had and I can never get it back. LJ reminded me of that, too. Pain isn't weakness leaving the body. Pain is what makes us feel alive sometimes.
Its been a decently crazy last month and a half. The move back to Phoenix, leaving the ones I loved in Corpus there, not knowing when or if I would see them again. Paul, though, I got to see. He made the trip to Vegas. It was the best time I've ever had there and yet I feel like he had a shitty time. I certainly had a shitty come down from being drunk for three days. But I'll get to that.
Leaving Corpus Christi, not knowing what in the hell exactly is going on in Phoenix, was a bit scary. I mean yeah, the moving truck was paid for, the gas was allotted for, the house and electricity set up. But jobs? Kinda came on a whim. Didn't know where I would get hired if at all. Before I made my way back out to CC, I had trouble finding work. Through some applying myself and not sitting on my ass anymore, I'm fully employed and have 2 other offers that could very well pan out. I do so hope they do. I don't think I'll ever fully comprehend how I went so long without a job. I love working. I also love trying to accommodate financially the life I wanna live.
The people of Corpus. That is what I miss the most being back out here. Don't get me wrong, being so close to family is wonderful again. Being that far away and not having them in the kids lives was torture. Through all the shit I've given and gotten, my family has always been there. And that's kinda what the friends in CC became. I've got Bert again out here, and its like we were never apart. There still is and always be that friendship. I hope I can say the same about Cass, Paul, Jes and Aaron. (and any I might not have listed but still call friend!)
The house here blows the shitty apartment out of the water. Hands down. Its so nice the kids get more room to run around and a backyard to play in. The hike in electricity is a bitch but one worth putting up with. I'm 26 and it still blows my mind that I'm an adult. Bills suck but this isn't the time for the rant about getting old. All I'll say (and basically to myself since that's what this is for) is that getting old sucks. Hooray house!
Las Vegas. I went with high hopes and aside from not coming back rich, I was not disappointed. So many funny things happened that its hard to believe it all went down over three days. Through some dumb wish to live it up while there, I was basically drunk the whole time. I lost my voice from yelling "woo" and am still waiting for it to come back. We got back yesterday and I'm still waiting for that three day binge to stop hurting me physically all over. Part of that is falling at a blackjack table. And falling out of the shower. My hooves slipped right out from underneath me.
There's always so much more. Its a pattern with me updating this. I hope what I wanted to say isn't lost in the billion other things running through my mind. Always.
I used to keep a handwritten journal of all the secret things I felt I couldn't tell anybody else. There were pages and pages of front and back scribbles from as early as 13. Sometime before turning 18, I just kinda stopped. It wasn't that I'd run out of pages, I think there were a few left blank in the bank. I don't know what it was. My social life had blossomed exponentially as the journal went on. That could have been a factor in it. I was in a committed relationship. There's another factor.
This book contained 5 years or so of my life, and it somehow saddens me. I hate that I didn't keep up with it. Some of the things that might have made it in there, I've shared with random people. I'm sure any random thing I shared with a random person wouldn't be remembered. Then I've shrouded some of these thoughts in vague posts on here or in shorter form on Twitter. I don't share as much of my life on Facebook as I used to. Learned my lesson there.
OneRepublic has their song "Secrets" where they sing about giving all their secrets away. Even though at times I feel like the secrets I keep are going to rot me from the inside out, I don't think I could ever give them all away. There is shit that feels its almost not even real. But then questioning that opens the rabbit hole to bigger issues I wouldn't even want to address. Even with myself.
See? I've already lost track of where I was going with this.
I don't think I'll ever understand why I'm made to feel like a monster for doing harmless things. I don't think there's any one person I can put the blame on other than myself. its my fault I feel this way. its my fault I've done what I have.
Life is made up of millions of choices. Can I ever know if I've made the right ones?
(Also I've recently decided that this is worth saving, somehow. I had a uJournal way back when, and all those memories are gone. It made way for this, and now I question how much longer this will be around. Honestly, have you SEEN Tumblr? Shit is crazy on over there. But I still love the tried and true Livejournal bit.)
When today started, I intended on spending my free time at work writing this very entry. Now that I'm almost off of work, I'm finally getting to it. I have the same problem I always do when I go to update this. I have things that I WANT to say, and I have things I SHOULDN'T say. Sometimes those things are one in the same. Of course. Honestly there isn't a whole lot to even add or write down for future reference. I guess there are a few bullet points I could make.
( And So I DidCollapse )
There was going to be more. I'm surprised I even got out this much. For another day I suppose.
- Current Music:Passion Pit- "Take A Walk"
- Current Music:*in my head* Imagine Dragons 'Radioactive'
Its not a secret, really. I'm not happy. I wanna be somewhere else. I wanna take the best parts of this place and take them with me to somewhere better.
Saying that, I've built up Arizona like a sort of Utopia. I know it isn't. I know that once I get back there parts of me will wish I hadn't left Texas. But there more than anywhere I feel like I'm home. Its a funny thing, the feeling of home. They say that "home is where the heart is". I don't know if I fully believe that. Fuck, I should stop typing this before I start to say too much.
Though your secrets are safe,
I am the mirror who can’t let go.
How did I ever forget the awesome that is Envy On The Coast? Love this album. Love this day, Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. Give thanks for the things we have, the things we've experienced, the people who were there for either one. I've got plenty to be thankful for. Plenty of things, plenty of experiences and plenty of people.
The things I have. I have family. I wouldn't trade any one of them for the world. My parents have done wonders in raising me. I know I wasn't easy being raised to a respectable human being. I've had plenty of trip ups. I've fucked up and they've tried to show me the right way. I only hope I can instill that in my kids. My kids are my world. I look at them and I can only hope I'm giving them what they need to be better than me. My siblings, you couldn't ask for a better group of 9 people, supporting you in ways they might not ever know. I could list what those all are, but it'd take quite awhile. Another thing I have, and more family, is Morgen. I never gave her enough credit before. She does so much and I've overlooked that and I was wrong to. There are more things, but I'm moving on.
Experiences. I wouldn't go as far to say that I've done it all. But I have done many things. Some more than most. I know for a fact I have seen and done things that you'd have never guessed with me or anyone. This category is a tough one to elaborate on. But mostly, everything I've done has turned me into the person I am.
People? Jesus there isn't time to type all that. There are so many. That's kinda where this post started. And now I can't elaborate any further. Although I'm no stranger to self incrimination, right now I can't. But good god do I have so much for this one.
uh I'll elaborate later. I have to go to bed.