and air to breathe.
I won't disappoint you
as you fall apart.
Some things should be simple,
even an end has a start.
I thought I had so much more to say today, with this. I guess like most days, my thoughts are content with spinning endlessly in my head.
- Current Location:work
- Current Mood: thoughtful
- Current Music:Editors 'An End Has A Start'
I need to take myself away
From the pillowed hand on which I stand
And throw me out of the side of a plane
And I'll just see where I land
I will have to pull my heart away
'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday
This is worse than before. Its all my fault, of course. I caused the catalyst that lit the flame of this disaster. Not entirely sure what means I'll take to put it out. One measure I've taken as of late is avoiding texting. My fingers have rarely been so silent. The few I've sent in the past few days were to Cass and Bert. Cass, letting him know I'd be by to pick him up and Bert, because no matter what shit is going on she's my bfff. Always there to applaud me or give me shit. I love her for that. I'd love to have her to run to, but its hard with being two states away.
Friends are a funny thing. Some of them seem to have smaller roles in my life than I had previously thought. One in particular disregarded plans made long ago and replaced me. Given some of the circumstances, its almost understandable. In the bigger picture, though, I guess it's safe to say my feelings were hurt. I'm trying to shrug it off, but it still feels like a loss to me. My friends have always been an important part of my life. With some it seems like that feeling isn't mutual. I could be reading too deeply into it, but with this situation I would rather approach pessimistically. If I'm wrong, its a better surprise than if I'd approached optimistically and was disappointed.
Disappointment is a discouraging thing. I've never set out to disappoint people. At least not in any situation I can remember. Sometimes it was an inevitable result from poor decisions. I'm no stranger to those either. I'd like to think that I've gotten better about making the 'right' decision. With some of the choices I want to make, it'd be hard not coming out looking like the villain. Possibly just the price I'll have to pay. Some of those choices are yet to come, and I've gotta brace for impact. The friends I have cant do much because this is something I've got to do and decide on my own.
Its no secret to me that some people think I'm selfish. Admittedly, sometimes I can be. Its never a live or die situation. What doesn't make sense to me is if my responsibilities are minded (not spending bill money on something frivolous) then why can't I be? Even just a little. I can take accountability for most of my actions. I'd say all of them, but in some it seems my hand was forced. I guess I'm just trying to justify that this life is too short to be hung up on questioning myself over stuff that doesn't seem to effect the bigger picture.
I don't know. Seems to be I'm saying that a lot lately. Mostly because I don't. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, let alone 2 months from now. All I can say is that I'm hopeful it'll be great. And I hope aftershock isn't gonna knock me on my ass for too long, whatever may have caused it.
- Current Mood: listless
- Current Music:Jack Penate "Pull My Heart Away"
When will you stop asking strangers, no one wants what we want
Keep one eye on the door, keep one eye on the bag
Never expect to be sure
Disappointment is something I should be all too used to. I don't know why I'm surprised when it happens again. Whether its from a friend blowing off long awaited plans, or a shitty babysitter not following through. A thought or an idea that crumbles before your eyes, or trying to be there for a friend who all but ignores you.
My eyes (like my heart) are heavy and would like to retire. I hope I can remember to continue this sad thought. Hopefully sleep gets me out of my head. I'm not sure how much further I could take it.
The National "Ada"
My mind has been stuck on a couple of things lately. Lost might be an understatement. In true Livejournal form, I'm gonna list em.
1- Moving back to AZ. I want it so bad. There's a job idea that I want to apply for. Part of my reluctance in just doing it already is I couldn't afford to get there for an interview. I think this is something I really want.
2- Moving back to AZ part 2. I have some fear that moving back will mean falling back into old habits. Not all of them. There's worry about things being pretty much exactly as I left them. I don't really want THAT. Hope I don't forget the rest of what I meant.
3- Moving back to AZ part 3. I'm going to miss the few people here who've made my stay here less shitty. Cass, Paul and Aaron have done so much for me. I want to bring them with, because I don't want to lose them.
4- Investment. Not in the monetary sense, but time/thoughts/feelings. I have on multiple occasions sworn to not force myself into other peoples lives. I've done a shitty job at doing that. I pay too much attention and get not enough return. Its annoying and you think I'd be used to it. I would say I'll just give the cold shoulder, but I cave on that too.
5- I keep vague tweeting and when I eventually go back to read them, I've lost what some meant.
I'm sure there's more. I could have definitely elaborated some more on them, but I haven't the energy to do so. Writing what I have was taxing enough.
The weather has changed. It happened all so quickly and I'm embracing it. This is 'cuddle a cute boy while watching a movie together' weather. Fuck.
I Don't Know What I Can Save You From
My mind is lost in memories and possibilities. I've got to snap it back to reality. This is the here and now. I'm struggling with shit and having my mind elsewhere will help nothing. I just want too many things. Not necessarily in the possession sense, but in some context, that too.
I feel like I'm bugging people when I try to talk to them. Its almost as if I'm using social mediums to not feel forgotten. For some reason that's always been an underlying fear of mine. Being forgotten. Part of the reason I want the 'damnatio memoria' tattoo. I'm doomed to be forgotten and struck from the record books. Even if that's not the case, I feel doomed anyway.
When I wake up, it'll be a different day. A different opportunity. Something has to be different. Until then, I resort to sleep. As much as I'd like to feel I can find solace in my dreams, I don't think I have many of those anymore.
this breaks my heart.
'Heart Skipped A Beat' The XX.
Instead of casually strolling through memories, sometimes I dive in head first. Not all of them are great. Some I remember probably different than they were, and some I would love to live through again. I thought I'd gotten better about not "dwelling on the what ifs". Its hard not to, though, when you realize you could.have turned out to be a completely different person.
As strange as it sounds, I would like to sit down with that different person and ask him how its going. Wouldn't you like to meet the you who made the decisions you didn't?
Out late with Aaron last night lead to sleeping in late this morning. Which turned into being up late tonight. I spent the wee hours after SNL (where Passion Pit kicked ass) watching Men In Black 3. Honestly it was better than I expected.
A few things bugging me right now. Mostly its money. I don't like going to work 5 days a week, getting paid every 2 weeks, and having $0 to spend in my bank account. Bills are part of being an adult, I get that. What sucks is that I've got so many. Its like I'm buried and can't dig out from under the soil. Not just some soil, the dirt piles higher every day. My options for fixing this are few, and with them I don't know which to pick.
I've always been terrible at decisions, I guess. I realized today at the store (more money gone) that I'm probably terrible to grocery shop with. I know that I like what I like but planning meals further ahead than later that day isnt fun. Whats fun is feeling semi giggly from last nights drunk and having fun with that while pushing the cart around. Nothing grand or complicated about that, its just a little moment I enjoyed.
Tomorrow Cass and Paul are supposed to come over and we're going to have a sorta cook out. Sorta because none of us know exactly what were going to cook. Partly because most of us are broke. No matter whats decided, I'm sure it'll be a good day. The Walking Dead starts up again and we're all fans, so that calls for hanging out and watching it. That, I am perfectly ok with.
I wonder if the people who I've told I love (friendly or as more) know I mean it. I was telling Aaron "I love you" last night as he dropped me off and I think he knows I meant it. I think he means it when he says it. I wonder how many people do. Whether you're my friend, my family, or on the short list of people I've said "I love you" (relationship wise) to, know that I mean that. Its not a word I handle lightly with people. Not an emotion I deal lightly with either.
I guess this feeling of I don't know is gonna linger over me for the rest of my life. Sometimes I wonder if that means there's something wrong with me.
I'm going through what could best be described as a rough patch in my life. And I don't have you to help me through it. And that really sucks. You could call me selfish for wanting you to "hold my hand", but its only because I so readily offer mine to you. Is it wrong I thought I'd be extended the same courtesy?
Listen to "If I Ever Feel Better" by Phoenix. Its lyrics describe how I frequently feel.
The subject (of this entry) is a lyric I'm feeling right now, among many things. In what seems like a whirlwind 24 hours, I'm feeling more lost than before. Its not a desire to be back home, I know that feeling. This is something else. Some parts anger, some parts confusion, some boredom and some feelings of defeat.
Anger: yet another shake up in the foundation of what I thought I had here as friends. Its not entirely my fault, though I feel to blame some. Shits gonna change again and I don't like the results. The "group" is getting more broken up than it was before. Some people just stopped hanging out, others have made it perfectly clear they won't be in the same room as others. The animosity between them I had no part in. In this instance, I am somewhat of a victim. I've always been a victim of my own decisions, but these weren't mine. This shit just sucks.
Confusion: why is it I put so much thought into talking to some people? I had written so much more, but the question itself encompasses it well enough.
Boredom: this is on a level I almost couldn't even explain. As soon as my kids are asleep, I've got nothing to do. Social media isn't enough entertainment and so I sit and lose myself in tv. Which is a problem because of the extent to which I rely on it. Socially hanging out is a rarity most nights of the week and so tv is what I do. The worst part of this boredom is I could be doing school. I could build on the one fuckin class I've taken and towards a degree. I just don't have to means (i.e. money for classes, or laptop for schoolwork) to make it happen right now.
Feelings of Defeat: all of the above are reasons for feeling this. I feel defeated at home, I feel defeated at work, I feel defeated with friends and with my life as a whole. Like somehow I've lost the fight and I keep throwing punches thinking I can win. I hope I'm right.
I do hope I feel better.
Work shit is getting to me. I had thought the 'pay advance' subtraction from my checks was bullshit. That was until I studied the pay periods and found they had some basis for it. Even still, seeing 10hrs of pay deducted each check for 4 checks is depressing. This Friday is supposed to be the last one like that. Maybe then I'll be a little more at ease with my financial situation. As eased as I can be with how fucked it continues to be.
There was more talk of the move back to Arizona. I wasn't sure what her thoughts were for almost a full day and my imagination ran away with the idea. I feel as if that's where I should be. Not this far from family and friends. That being said, I've met a few great people here. Some I've come to love dearly, and would miss terribly once I've left. I hope once it happens we stay in touch and don't forget the bonds we've made. It sounds cheesy, but its true. Rarely have I met people I was so readily comfortable around, and actually enjoyed the company of. If I could I would take them all with me. Save them from this city. I say save but it doesn't seem that this city sucks their life force like it feels it does to me.
I guess the blame can't be placed entirely on the city. Some has to go to the situation I'm in. Some to the people here. Some to myself. I don't want to give it a chance because I feel AZ is 'home'. Not that things were always so great there. Thinking that makes me believe that its me. Senses Fail said 'If you can't change yourself, change your scenery'. I tried guys. The personal changes are there. I'm not the same guy I was when I left. I wish you could see that. I wish I could remember that sometimes.
I've gotta get to sleep. I slept in this morning when I really shouldn't have. Can't make that mistake again. Life is too short. That's the saying, at least.