So not so much a false alarm, more of false hope last night. Morgen thought maybe. Yeah she's only 37 weeks but for some pregnancies, that's far enough, right? Last night was Durts' "Going Away Party". Yes, he's only going to the other side of the PHX but still, I don't see a reasonable, plausible way to see him between when he goes home, and when he ships off. Drank too much, again. I know, if your never met me and only see whats written here, I probably seem like an unyeilding alcoholic. Not true. That's what i used to be. This weekend was just a rarity. Today was definitely Senses Fail day on the iPod. I'm still pretty serious about getting Follow Your Bliss tattooed somewhere on me. I tore my pants this morning, ducked out of work to get some BK and had a 'picnic' with Mo watchin The Office. I love that damn show. This entry seems really forced. ugh. Tonight, pizza, then home for a movie and some cuddle action goin on. Tomorrow, I hope I'm more productive at work then i was today, guh i was lazy.

i have a splitting headache. which, by the way has nothing to do with how much i drank last night. ok. it probably does. ugh. why is everyone wanting to hang and have a few on nights when i HAVE to be at work in the morning? meh, i'll power through the rest of the shift. think im leaving at 7ish. then swimming at the apartments with mo. then...nothing. im not doin anything tonight but watching M*A*S*H and relaxing. durt ships out on june 3rd. that really really sucks. he's leaving before san diego. before riley is born. before. before i want him to. i sing to him all the time when were hanging out, just little tidbits of shit lettin em know im gonna miss him. my hetero lifemate. for the rest of my shift im gonna smoke less, eat a hot pocket, and hopefully seem really productive.

i've accomplished almost absolutely nothing at work today. i've been hanging out on explosm, wikipedia, and imdb. this is my monday at work. i wrapped two chairs and loaded em into peoples cars. and then somewhat sort of 'dropped' kinda an end table in the back of some ladies mercury. ugh. when will mercury go away? its the ugly midwestern relative of ford, and their not cool cars. speaking of which i need to change the oil in candice. and get a front end allignment. and new tires. and fix up the front end. oh it would help if i could afford to be making the payments, too. job number two, where are you? moved back in with morgen. i asked myself when i left her if i was more miserable with or without her. its without. two and a half weeks of almost constant drinking *via an unfounded depression that in hindsight was a ploy to "free myself of her"* has taught me that. the inside of my arm is right. i can't make it on my own.

.im 21, which means 'hello casino *yeah, right*
.i talked to him. whew, lets take this slowly.

why cant we say what we really feel?

why does it seem that everything you wanted to change for the better, has changed...


+and now the situation is worse.
.i need to drink myself to sleep tonight. im tired.

i'm so reflective  i am a mirror.  
drinking last night at ryans, oh so much fun. i could not stop laughing at his dog. it was a poodle, but the size of like a greyhound.
i passed out and morgen came and got me at 6 in the morning. fuck, i have to be at work in an hour and a half. that sucks.