so last night went interestingly enough. took off of work early so we could get to morgens parents' house with the sun still out. (we'd planned on going swimming.) picked up morgen, headed to my house for cheech and durt. we were ready. got there around 4:45 and got to swimming. grant (her stepdad) grilled up some pork chops and it seemed almost like a summer day. but kevin, grants canada-grown best friend of over 20 years, was being a little rude. the two guys went to the hockey game and then out to a bar. to pass the time i gave my services to mormon brian who was in want of some Skyy and so i bartered $10 for a cheapy bottle of vodka. we hung out and i drank too much, passed out around midnight. 8am this morning, woke up to names such as 'faggot', 'useless asshole', 'disrespectful fuck', and so on and so on. i guess grant had a few too many last night too, and told kevin of my bisexuality. ha. uhhh. i got a cup of coffee as he told me to clean up (liking boys makes me a maid?) and to come over and talk to him. no thanks, i just ignored everything he said. he picked up his two year old son and said 'dont worry, your not gonna be a fag like that loser.' what the hell is that to say to your 2 year old son? ugh. tonight, i've got one great fuckin story to tell. but still....

im comfortable enough with myself to have let it all roll off though. ha. fucker.
oh and p.s. he kicked grant, his "best friend", in the face when they got home.

"When it feel like living's harder than dyin'
For me givin' up's way harder than tryin'."

i cant stop listening to him lately. he's somewhat inspiring, believe it or not. dont ever yell at someone who stole two beers from a couple of canadians, it makes us feel bad.

ok. so this is whats happening thus far. i've lost my jobs at DBL and JCPenney. I'm going in for an interview for Paddock Pools at 11. Morgen is 24 weeks along, and we know its a boy. i just right now got into this really semi-depressed, just gloomy mood. i gotta snap the hell out before the interview or i'll never get hired. theres so much more i feel like typing but i wont. i cant. i have to walk away from this.

the past few days have been amazingly perfect. sans the few minutes here and there of awkwardness. but thats to be expected. my life sits in front of me, as if an unopened book. not entirely true. i've flipped through a few pages. but the bulk of the book is yet to be written. i want to make it a best seller.

in this time and place, everything is different. this is probably one of THE best modest mouse songs. no one reads this anymore i suppose. it seems its become something sort of for myself. a reminder. a post it note on the side of the road to where ever im going. i think something has to change. the post-it notes are blowing away...

the step in my groove
im fast on my way to being where i always thought i'd be


+and it isnt dead

sometimes i want to run to the end of the hallway and crash through the window, just to see if i can fly.

you know im getting out. 
this year seems to be going great. and its just going to get better. i let go. and as much as it hurt, it was for the best. look at me now. with a smile on my face. 2006 is going to be the year of improvements. +a car +moving out +a relationship devoured in love +friends and family i could never thank enough. tonight i realized im happy to be alive.

theres no sense in complaining if it doesn't change our minds.

im not all too sure why i did it. before i heard, my night was so-so. nothing new. then rachael saw it, a myspace bulletin. party at mimi's cafe. 75th and bell. he was going to be there. i hadn't seen him in about 8 months. i took a shower, got dressed up and we left. he wasn't there yet. we sat in the parking lot. and then they showed up. it was creepy, as if i'd been waiting there for hours. i called out his name and advanced on them. ugh, how stupid i felt. i handed him the picture off my wall. "im sorry. for everything. remember we used to have fun". he gave me the thumbs up and went inside. we drove away. but it wasn't enough. we drove back and i threw my credit card at him *verbally mind you* and told him it was the least i could do. he refused. i apologized again. told him if he ever needed anything. he knows my number, address, sn, he knows everything. i offered reconciliation. he politely declined. he'd always been nice about saying no, when you werent throwing insults in his direction. i felt like such an incredible fool. i fell out of obscurity grasping at straws that weren't there. i walked away feeling somehow a whole lot better. things are going to get better. i got it out of my system to make that one last hurah. if he wants my friendship, its there for the taking. im no longer going to fight for it. otherwise...

+i have a feeling this is going to be a good year