the words weighed heavy in my heart. i couldn't stand to let them sit and fester in my chest without giving them the burial they deserved in the hole i'm forever digging for myself. things needed to be said, hearts needed to be broken. the world my world needed to change.

+nothing can ever be the same

theres no sense in complaining if it doesn't change our minds.

im not all too sure why i did it. before i heard, my night was so-so. nothing new. then rachael saw it, a myspace bulletin. party at mimi's cafe. 75th and bell. he was going to be there. i hadn't seen him in about 8 months. i took a shower, got dressed up and we left. he wasn't there yet. we sat in the parking lot. and then they showed up. it was creepy, as if i'd been waiting there for hours. i called out his name and advanced on them. ugh, how stupid i felt. i handed him the picture off my wall. "im sorry. for everything. remember we used to have fun". he gave me the thumbs up and went inside. we drove away. but it wasn't enough. we drove back and i threw my credit card at him *verbally mind you* and told him it was the least i could do. he refused. i apologized again. told him if he ever needed anything. he knows my number, address, sn, he knows everything. i offered reconciliation. he politely declined. he'd always been nice about saying no, when you werent throwing insults in his direction. i felt like such an incredible fool. i fell out of obscurity grasping at straws that weren't there. i walked away feeling somehow a whole lot better. things are going to get better. i got it out of my system to make that one last hurah. if he wants my friendship, its there for the taking. im no longer going to fight for it. otherwise...

+i have a feeling this is going to be a good year