ok. so this is how it stands right now. im in far more debt than i care to think about daily. candice needs some serious attention. i need to do laundry. i need to reconnect, maybe. i dont know how else to go about it but making myself painfully available. but thats not for right now. right now i need to focus. need to burn and pine. to be financially stable. which, right now, is a long long long ways away. damnit.

i didnt mean for it to happen. god damnit, why cant i hold a normal friendship with ANY girl? i just get drunk and fall back into old habits. habits of horniness and heartbreak.

i am such an asshole.
and for that, im sorry.

i've accomplished almost absolutely nothing at work today. i've been hanging out on explosm, wikipedia, and imdb. this is my monday at work. i wrapped two chairs and loaded em into peoples cars. and then somewhat sort of 'dropped' kinda an end table in the back of some ladies mercury. ugh. when will mercury go away? its the ugly midwestern relative of ford, and their not cool cars. speaking of which i need to change the oil in candice. and get a front end allignment. and new tires. and fix up the front end. oh it would help if i could afford to be making the payments, too. job number two, where are you? moved back in with morgen. i asked myself when i left her if i was more miserable with or without her. its without. two and a half weeks of almost constant drinking *via an unfounded depression that in hindsight was a ploy to "free myself of her"* has taught me that. the inside of my arm is right. i can't make it on my own.

.im 21, which means 'hello casino *yeah, right*
.i talked to him. whew, lets take this slowly.

the ones we love the most are the ones we love to hurt the most. still theres a ray of hope in my heart that burns like hell. ow.

josh's replies to danicas livejournal.

+drama drama drama drama
.giggle

last day of high school, huh? wow.
.slept forever
_i should be heading to work really soon
+cedric and i are talkin a bit again. rock.

my finger hurts. my eyes dont wanna stay open anymore. i dont want to be in this class anymore, stupid computer applications. i got another tattoo. and i was under the impression there was only one T in tattoo. er you know what i mean. jed is fun to hang out with.

you know im getting out. 
this year seems to be going great. and its just going to get better. i let go. and as much as it hurt, it was for the best. look at me now. with a smile on my face. 2006 is going to be the year of improvements. +a car +moving out +a relationship devoured in love +friends and family i could never thank enough. tonight i realized im happy to be alive.

theres no sense in complaining if it doesn't change our minds.

im not all too sure why i did it. before i heard, my night was so-so. nothing new. then rachael saw it, a myspace bulletin. party at mimi's cafe. 75th and bell. he was going to be there. i hadn't seen him in about 8 months. i took a shower, got dressed up and we left. he wasn't there yet. we sat in the parking lot. and then they showed up. it was creepy, as if i'd been waiting there for hours. i called out his name and advanced on them. ugh, how stupid i felt. i handed him the picture off my wall. "im sorry. for everything. remember we used to have fun". he gave me the thumbs up and went inside. we drove away. but it wasn't enough. we drove back and i threw my credit card at him *verbally mind you* and told him it was the least i could do. he refused. i apologized again. told him if he ever needed anything. he knows my number, address, sn, he knows everything. i offered reconciliation. he politely declined. he'd always been nice about saying no, when you werent throwing insults in his direction. i felt like such an incredible fool. i fell out of obscurity grasping at straws that weren't there. i walked away feeling somehow a whole lot better. things are going to get better. i got it out of my system to make that one last hurah. if he wants my friendship, its there for the taking. im no longer going to fight for it. otherwise...

+i have a feeling this is going to be a good year