Went through most of 06, all of 07, and all of 08 so far and tagged em. My back hurts, and I'm ready to leave work. Pool party at Kellys tonight, which is probably my plans for the whole night. Even they even go through. I'm tired of making plans that just end up falling through. All else fails, I'm going to get drunk at Jyles.

its mothers day. and i realize. 

pessimism will always weigh down my optimistic heart.

remember when we used to be happy?
remember how the days seemed to drag and we never seemed to mind?
remember thinking we were so young?
remember what its like to meet each day with optimism?
do you?
remember?

ok. so. i cant even begin to explain. its almost as if my soul has somehow slipped into my foot. with every step, a new ache. why cant i have money? im not allowed to have fun? ugh. i dont even know what im saying, its not half bad. we've compromised to where i can have my cigarettes, i can drink once a week, and were gonna try to make as many candice payments as possible before riley. thats his name. riley. my unborn son. sara stu and abby know a riley in tucson. seemed like a cool guy. the middle name i cant even begin to fathom. it has to have gumption. im leavin work and it seems in no time coming right back. oh yeah, paddock pools? no go. im a LaZBoy guy.




i miss what used to be, but im ready for whats to come.

ok. so this is whats happening thus far. i've lost my jobs at DBL and JCPenney. I'm going in for an interview for Paddock Pools at 11. Morgen is 24 weeks along, and we know its a boy. i just right now got into this really semi-depressed, just gloomy mood. i gotta snap the hell out before the interview or i'll never get hired. theres so much more i feel like typing but i wont. i cant. i have to walk away from this.

im finding that today, as i flip through ads for jobs on web sites and such, my search for the perfect job is like searching for a perfectly round rock in an arizona yard.

my ears and face are burning physically. mentally, my heart and mind have been burning for awhile now. im not sure. im so unsure of so many things in my life that the only thingim sure of... is that im unsure about things. i cant fucking stand this. i cant be a father, i'll fail miserably. i certainly cant be a husband. why is it that the one forcing me into the cookie cutter kid mold is me?

im losing control of things that need not lose control of. i cant stand this. things have to change. something has to change. why cant it just be so much easier than it has to be?

is it an unhealthy resolution to burn things/places down if i'm dissatisfied with their service?