I just got up from the couch and moved to the chair to do this post. The very same couch where my ass has been planted for almost all of today. Doing almost nothing: I played Farmville on Facebook, read and responded to a ton of Ask Me Anything posts, checked stuff out on IMDb, and near nothing else. Possibly the laziest, most uneventful day in recent memory. In my defense, I don't feel up to 100% health. Whatever Taylor and Kaitlin are sick with, I think Kevin and I caught. In staying with lazy, we got pizza and wings for dinner. Two pieces and countless wings later, I was pretty full. That's on top of the endless snacking I did throughout the day. Never have I ever felt so gluttoness. Well I'm sure I have but, again, not in recent memory. Having spent my day this way, it goes without saying that I didn't see Riley. He isn't feeling any better, so Morgen says. In fact, he has three times woken crying this evening, with the same runny nose that has plagued him for days. If it happens again, she wants to take him to the emergency room to see if something more serious isn't wrong.

Tomorrow I gotta get up and drive Kevin to work. I'm gonna use his car to take Kyle to register for taking the GED, which I must say it's about time. I also intend to use his car to go see Riley. Which Kevin knows about, for some reason that came off all secret-like.

So even though broken up, Morgen is nice enough to send me pictures of our son Riley randomly. He could literally be chopping someone up Saw-style and still be fuckin adorable. I'd intended on posting some actual substance today, but it's just too fuckin much. I'd need a whole day. Which I don't have. Kinda. Later? Whatever, here ya go, some sweet pics of Riley.

( As If Heartaches Not Heartache Enough Anymore )

Alright, I did my job around the house so I've got a little time to update. Yes, at my parents house, I've been added to the chore list. Kind of. Well Heather was, and in her abscence (until she gets back to the Valley with Chuy) I'm doin what she's assigned. Today it was the kitchen. Lame-o Extreme-o. On to the elaborating:

Shopping with the parents- Throughout a rather painful and tedious 6 hours, we accomplished a fair amount of Christmas shopping (i didn't, no money). Well the last stop was Arrowhead Mall where my mom bought Riley the cutest x-mas eve pjs (its a family tradition), and a REALLY cute outfit for Glendale Glitters. And for me, she bought an early Christmas present, a pair of Macbeths. I finally have a pair of shoes again! Not that I don't love wearing flops, but ALL the time? I love em.
Drinking with Bert-Sunday night was pretty good. Started at Casey Jones with Dan Gwin and Josh, then picked up Ryan and met Trent at Cheers. I had too much to drink, and got overly angry with stupid shit concerning Morgen. Which leads me into...
Talking with Morgen-Yesterday she came over after putting Riley to bed. We hung out with the fam, played a game or two of Skip-Bo and Sequence, and then she had to get back. During said amount of time there was no hug, no kiss, no nothing. Which is fine, but it seemed like the whole time there was a hint of awkwardness. We went out to smoke, and against every thing in my head telling myself not to, I hugged and kissed her. And then we made out in her sisters Dodge. And I don't entirely know why I threw myself back into that. I'm not ready. I still need to think a good deal. I'd like shit to either return to normal (Would it really be though?) or at least civil for Rileys first christmas.

You know, for having left to get some thinking done, I realize thats the one thing I haven't done a whole lot of.
Or is that all I've been doing?

This is my son, Riley Thomas Collier.
And he's one badass mofo.
Yeah, you wish he were yours, ha.

Busy, busy, busy. Therefor no update til now. Yes, I'm listening to Shiny Toy Guns, what about it? Jesse quit today. He's working until close tonight, then tomorrow starts his new job. Which puts me into a conundrum. Tomorrow was my day off. Not to say I didn't have Sunday off, but still. Without another warehouse guy, it's all me. But, there is somewhat of glimmer of hope. Little Dude is looking for a job, has been since Robeks closed. So he's helping me move some stuff for a customer tomorrow, so he'll be here tomorrow for an interview. I wonder how this is gonna turn out. New boss at work, he seems pretty cool. Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Their going to check on the, um, exit for Riley. If she's effaced at all, I think that means were getting closer. I'm addicted to Lost. That show, it just, it keeps blowing my mind. I stayed up until 3am the other night just finishing up season one on dvd. Last night, smoked a cigarette with Jyle. He's moving to almost the other ass-end of Glendale. God damnit, there *maybe* goes another one.

Warning: This May Or May Not Be A Ridiculously LONG Entry.


FYI, its not cold. Thats in reference to the song. In fact, its very very warm outside. Ok, to elaborate on the pointers I pointed out in yesterdays oh so short entry. On Friday (5/16) Bert, Cheech, Durt, Wake, Moe and I went to see the Diamondbacks play the Tigers. It was a good game, even if we showed up late and I annoyed some old lady with my loud whistling. Beer was too expensive for me to buy (I spent $25 on the tickets to get us in, including the two 12packs of Miller Lite I had to buy to get tickets at said cost) so Bert bought me one. Thats where the drinking too much part comes in. We drank a few before the game knowing it was going to be expensive in there, and then after because we'd both only had one while in there. The Tom and Ryan prompt comes from me wanting to remind myself how much I value them as friends lately. Even if he doesn't hang out as much as we used to, Wake (Ryan) is still one of the coolest people you will ever meet. And Tom, I've known him for about 4 and a half years now, and our friendships getting better and better every time we hang out. Oh, Jyles brother, Zane, we met at Chipotle before we drove downtown for the game. He seems cool, Jyle said he would be. They're in Vegas right now because Zane just turned 21 on Thursday. He's from Tennessee and possibly moving down here. The Riley bein quiet prompt for elaboration came after I talked to Morgen on the phone yesterday. It was 4:30 in the afternoon and he had barely moved around in her stomach, as opposed to other days when he's rolling around in there like crazy. What made my night last night was getting home from work and watching her stomach move with his little feet kicking. Almost as if he was saying he knew I was home, a little 'hello' if you will. I walked into the bathroom after having already been here for about an hour and forty-five minutes and realized the drive to work made my hair look crazy. I've really got to start checking before I converse with people here. ha. See, this is how I used to make my posts on here, so if all else fails, I'll do one of these every now and again.

i got a single silver bullet shot right through my heart, to prove i can survive without you.
can i?
my mind is racing a mile a minute. i'd blame it on not eating anything today (sans two chocolate chip cookies) but in reality i dont think thats it. blame it on adhd, but seriously, im shaking. a half hour before i leave work i wouldnt normally smoke a cigarette (i try to conserve), but i had to. i thought itd help. it didnt. speaking of which, a pack i got last night around 8ish is almost gone, thanks to the bumming out to cheech and durt. ugh. i've been a big fan of Rene Magritte since i did a project on him senior year, and now im thinking i'm going to get a tattoo inspired by his painting 'Cut-Glass Bath'. its of a giraffe standing in what looks like a wine glass. in part becasue i love his art, and in part because a lot of rileys stuff is giraffe related. i even painted him one at As You Wish back in february. Against Me! is a band i'm intersted in delving more into. what i've heard is really good. because its been on my mind all day, heres a list of cds (sans a track or so) that i cant stop listening to lately. all the way through:
.kanye west graduation sans 'Drunk and Hot Girls'
.the hush sound goodbye blues sans 'Intro'
.tegan and sara the con
.Modest Mouse we were dead before the ship even sank sans 'Steam Engenius'
i have honestly listened to those 4 cds over and over again these past few months. those, what i have of Royksopp (from the Geico commercial, yeah ha), and the thirty-three tracks of Alkaline Trio on the ipod. im not stuck in a musical rut or anything, i just cant get enough.
and hey, thank you. seriously. it made my morning.

ugh. i cut my ring finger pretty bad today at work. i think im gonna need a stitch or two. and oh god does this song remind me of last year. the ford edge, the constant drinking. tony. anyway, with stimulus coming up, and a paycheck that should be higher than normal, i'm gonna take care of a few things. candice sounds like she's hurtin. some metal on metal grinding on the front driver side. thats really bad. morgen will have been pregnant for about 36 weeks on friday. i cant believe its been that long already. it seems like we just found out yesterday. (in reality it was oct12th.) hanging with bert and jyle tonight, possibly little dude crashin at my place, (my dad wants us to mow bates' lawn tomorrow). but really mo and i have a doctors appointment and then i gotta see my p.o. why cant this day at work go any faster?

damn, its been awhile. not a whole lots happened to necessitate an update. but, in keeping with keeping up. here it is. tonight i start my alcohol abuse classes again tonight. 730p-930p. $20 each tuesday. for 18 weeks. pete yorn has been poppin up a lot on the ipod lately. got the crib set up. almost ready for riley. sans the whole middle name part. that i havent figured out yet. been watching a lot of entourage lately. the show is amazing. tomorrow, ben and daniel are going back home. i was telling morgen i felt torn about how i feel about it. like, their cramping jyles personal space *without helping with rent*, but then again their fun and cool to hang out with. hmm. so tonight, work til 640, drive, substance abuse class til 930, change clothes, then go. ha. cedric reference. jyles, and tomorrow off. so. yeah. i think im set.

p.s. i wish my shoes didnt smell. i need new ones.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24132681/?GT1=43001 this is interesting.
what. a. fuckin. week.
to top it off, as soon as i get off of work, i get to go see all the stuff morgen got for the baby shower. my son is gonna be one pimp mofo.

i had a relatively productive day yesterday. built four tables, got my daily checklist done. and before i knew it, my shift was up. went grocery shopping with morgen. and, not exactly for the first time ever but still, i felt riley move. she took my hand and put it on her stomach, and wow. it was something else. he's a mover and a shaker. we tried playing clue at my parents house with cheech and durt, but not before bbq rib + seasoned fries whilst watching sex and the city. it was all good and fun, until cheech was done playing. you could tell durt wanted to see it through to the end, but there was no hope. he was disappointed. i felt terrible. tonight, im watching the d-backs and the rockies while drinking a margarita at zips with kelly. should be fun.

i have a splitting headache. which, by the way has nothing to do with how much i drank last night. ok. it probably does. ugh. why is everyone wanting to hang and have a few on nights when i HAVE to be at work in the morning? meh, i'll power through the rest of the shift. think im leaving at 7ish. then swimming at the apartments with mo. then...nothing. im not doin anything tonight but watching M*A*S*H and relaxing. durt ships out on june 3rd. that really really sucks. he's leaving before san diego. before riley is born. before. before i want him to. i sing to him all the time when were hanging out, just little tidbits of shit lettin em know im gonna miss him. my hetero lifemate. for the rest of my shift im gonna smoke less, eat a hot pocket, and hopefully seem really productive.

ok. so. i cant even begin to explain. its almost as if my soul has somehow slipped into my foot. with every step, a new ache. why cant i have money? im not allowed to have fun? ugh. i dont even know what im saying, its not half bad. we've compromised to where i can have my cigarettes, i can drink once a week, and were gonna try to make as many candice payments as possible before riley. thats his name. riley. my unborn son. sara stu and abby know a riley in tucson. seemed like a cool guy. the middle name i cant even begin to fathom. it has to have gumption. im leavin work and it seems in no time coming right back. oh yeah, paddock pools? no go. im a LaZBoy guy.




i miss what used to be, but im ready for whats to come.

ok. so this is whats happening thus far. i've lost my jobs at DBL and JCPenney. I'm going in for an interview for Paddock Pools at 11. Morgen is 24 weeks along, and we know its a boy. i just right now got into this really semi-depressed, just gloomy mood. i gotta snap the hell out before the interview or i'll never get hired. theres so much more i feel like typing but i wont. i cant. i have to walk away from this.

ugh. here we go again. its cold out. im in flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt. me oh my, theres no explaining why. explanations. theres a funny topic. last night morgen got us Superbad, Waitress, The Nanny Diaries, and Pirates Of The Caribbean At Worlds End. i didn't wanna tell her about pirates two. how i watched it lying in bed with Kevin this time last year. or how i watched pirates 3 holding tonys hand. somehow some way, i kinda miss kevin. he was a jerk, but somehow we made it through a whole month without my thinking that. and tony. oh oh tony. i miss him more. i know it. but as said previously, im forced into a stereotype i cant get out of. morgen is 3 months pregnant. in all honesty my heart skipped a beat when we heard his. and the ultrasound is something i cant stop staring at. thats my kid. and with all these thoughts and emotions running through my mind, i will love him (or her, im just hopin for a boy) regardless. i just cant find the time to love myself. fuck.